More on self-love | Guest post by Greg Neville
A search for finding and understanding Self-Love
By Greg Neville
Love... LOVE! Again! You have got to be kidding. If I see or hear one more person calling out that there should be more love in the world, I’ll... ?/:~`!**#^!?! So, enough already! Hold on, actually, you know what I want to read? An explanation of what love is, and... why it is so absent for some people? No, I’ll be specific. I want to know what Self-love is, and the secret to having it.
We are consistently told we need to love our self, and of course we know that many people just do not! They may have had it in the past, and now lost it. I want to know what it is, why it is so hard to do, and of course importantly... how to find it again or even for the first time? Go on, if you are going to write something, make it something that I don’t already know, something that will actually help! Yep, try those questions for size. Oh, and of course, why is self-love so important, what happens without it?
If you write specific answers to those few questions, and I’ll read it. Well?
"Self-love", what is it? If you were in search of it, what would you ask a therapist when questioning to find out if the therapist knows what it is, where to look for it and what enables you to find yours? Is self-love so personal that only you would know where to look for yours, know what it would consist of and hence how to identify it? Or maybe, because so many people are in need of it, this would mean it is actually made of a common factor that applies to us all?
In the mental health arena there is no shortage of voices screaming out that people are lacking in or requiring additional self-love, but in contrast, the arena is drastically short of an understanding of what self-love is, what its constituents are, or even its true obstacles.
What is Self?
Understanding even the title "self–love" is a great place to start a search for self-love. In reference to your life, your "Self" is "You". And don’t be fooled by the rubbish claims that it is possible for you to be someone other than you! Further on, I’ll explain the cause of such false claims.
Everything about you, physically and mentally is you. Your thinking is done by you, and all your actions are initiated by you. And you do not find self-love by trying to claim you were not really being your authentic self, as if saying it just was not you, which is a claim that is just not true, and you shall understand why it is not true when I explain how the human psyche works.
Though it is most definitely true that you are a sum of all that factors that influenced, played their role in how you became you, and it is just as true that it is not your fault such factors influenced you. And by the way, are you yet aware that it is impossible for you to self-sabotage you or your life? You will understand why that is true as you learn more about you and your priorities! There is quite a lot to you, more than you knew!
Okay, you are you, but what would you need to look at if you wanted to know you. Medically, physically, they currently look at your genetic make-up, but what would they Psychologically look at if they wanted to find you? Would it be your "Individuality", i.e. that which is unique to you, or instead "Commonality", what you have in common with others? Check into both of them, test them and see which enables you to know who you are!
First though, consider this bit of advice. How are you going to know what is unique to you, if you do not first understand what others have? Well, you’re not, and so gaining an understanding of who you are will require receiving an education in Commonality, so that what is unique to you can be recognised. You, shall not only consist of that which is common to all, but yes also that which is unique to you.
As every year passes, we watch an increase in the number of therapists that claim to focus on treating the individual, and whom unbeknownst to them, have a decreasing understanding of commonality due to not really being interested in it, even to the point some even now claim there is no reality, only "your own reality". Such therapists have lost the plot, and can be shown to have little depth in understanding of the cause and cure of psychological stress and associated issue. They most definitely will also not understand themselves or even where to look within the psychological realm to find Individuality.
Such a search requires looking within the area of the psychological realm that contains a person’s issues towards the "development and survival process of life", which psychosomatically is the same as investigating a person’s DNA code. (The specifics of this I detail and show when explaining the psychological cause of health conditions.)
But for now, let’s just say that "You" are both your physical and psychological realm, which you see if you study your belief system. But when it comes to self-love, you also need to know a little more about love?
What is love?
To understand what love is, helps direct you to know what personal value is and what it is correctly measured by. So, if you are not yet aware, Love is simply one of the emotions, and being an emotion it is consequently triggered by a particular belief, as it is impossible for an emotion to be instigated without having been triggered by a belief. Those who believe different, as yet do not fully understand what beliefs are, or have not yet investigated the psychological realm deep enough, and thus incorrectly stop at the notion their exists some competition between heart versus head! Look deeper into the psyche and a world of reasons to why you are emotional can be found. More on this a little further on! Okay, back to love.
Love is triggered when a person believes that a particular item that exists is meant to be part of the system, and hence beneficial to the system. The more beneficial it is believed to be, the more heightened is the emotion of love towards it. Though, you also need to understand that the psyche believes in the presence of various little systems, such as the system that contains everyone that exists, and a system that contains our friends, also a system that contains our children, system that contains our partner in life, system that contains motorbikes, and so on.
And this is why a once-loved partner may now only be loved as a friend, and this also displays the reason why love is always conditional, as there is always criteria that must be met before a person is believed to be part of any of such systems, even when sometimes it does not feel as though! If love was unconditional, everyone would always love everything, even themselves, which is a reality that simply does not exist, and why this article is being written!
Love represents acknowledgement of the beneficial influence, a role an item is believed to be performing. Self-love is the acknowledgement of your belief in the value, the important usefulness of your existence. Self–love is nothing but your EGO! (WHAT?!) And as you may be aware, Ego receives a lot of abuse from most therapists! Claim you have one, and watch out! The comments it receives will not have you feeling so good about yourself! Currently, many therapists and most spiritual gurus, will attack your ego and blame it for all your and other people’s woes.
Would you tell children that you never want to catch them believing they play an important valuable role in the universe? Well then, the next time you are about to claim someone has an EGO problem, have a think about what it means before you say it. Ego is not the evil thing many people are teaching that it is, but we must admit we find many people giving it a decent push to be seen. Why is that?
The reason is before your eyes and ears every day, and is found within society’s Foundation Philosophy, “If you are good, you will get/receive”, which to the psyche translates into: “You shall miss out on your necessities for development and survival if you fail to prove your worthiness, your value, through successfully providing proof of your capability to achieve what we perceive to be a particular valuable existence/role”. Basically saying that you had better achieve something that brings our attention to your value.
Ego, as just mentioned, is not the problem, as the problem is instead that deeper incorrect underlying reason why we believe our value, our worth, must be brought to other people’s notice, plus it is absolutely essential to identify and inspect what a person currently has personal value connected to. What do measuring your value by? And whatever that is, if ever you believe it to be in jeopardy, you will perceive your value to be in danger, threatened! And if you believe it to be decreasing, you shall believe your value to be decreasing.
Society is progressively being informed of the high incidence of mental illness and suicide. Okay, we have been made well aware of that, but not really taught much about it. Yes, our education has evolved around helping us to learn how to identify the symptoms of depression and suicidal tendencies, but seldom explains the cause in any depth.
The cause of suicide is easy to understand, as the following explains. If our psyche believes personal value to be drastically decreasing (even though it is not!) due to not personally achieving that which personal value is believed to be measured by, then society’s “If you are good, you will get/receive” principle will have the person also believing that personal necessities for development and survival shall be restricted, eventually to the point of death.
Yes, our mind believes we can die various ways, one being from a depleted state of personal value. And so if we believe our value is near depleted, it too can believe it is all a little too risky to consider it worthwhile hanging around and possibly depleting if further. The person will desperately believe there is a need to travel to another place, away from the risks of life, and hence considers suicide to offer such an option. Suicide is not a desire to die, but rather an attempt to protect personal value and consequent future chances of receiving.
Yes, that is weird, but true. I hope you can understand why the subject of personal value, self-worth, self-esteem is so important! Though more than that, I hope you can see why having an understanding of what personal value is correctly measured by is so important! If you ever wish to check just how much a psychotherapist, psychologist, counsellor etc understands about life and the cause and cure of psychological stress and can really help you, ask two simple questions. What is a person’s value correctly measured by, plus, what is the factor that defines why it is impossible for any person’s life to unfold incorrectly? Of course, there are other important questions you may like to ask, though I must insist that those two are essential.
What is a person’s value correctly measured by, and why is it impossible for a person’s life to travel down an incorrect path of events? Gosh, this is getting a bit heavy hey! Well, actually, no it’s not. It’s just pushing the boundary of what is usually considered answerable or correct to mention! Boundaries that must be stretched in order for people to receive the answers their psyche requires for secure self–love.
Is your value calculated by you or instead other people? Actually, would it be okay if someone told you what your value is correctly measured by? Many claim not, and claim only you would correctly know what your worth is measured by! Can you see the little contradiction in that? Anyway, regardless of the contradiction, all that is important is that you do end up with, receive, an understanding of what your value is correctly measured by.
Correctly measured by? Who is to say what is correct? That really doesn’t matter does it, as who cares if a white person, a black, what the person’s occupation is, a young or old person etc that knows what it is. All that matters is that it is correct. What, sorry, as long as it is correct? Is there a correct answer when you consider how many people exist, and so many people possess different skills than others?
You bet it matters, as you would not like to find yourself suddenly in a position due to circumstances, where you are not able to be performing your believed valuable role for a period of time, because as you have just read, suicide sits on the door step waiting for those who believe personal value has been given sufficient time to drastically erode. You would need your true value to be connected to something that never receives the time to fade away, you will need it to be correct.
Is there such a "something" that enables personal value to be consistent? That particular something, most definitely exists, as is the only thing that enable a permanent, secure understanding of the reason why you are so valuable. What does that "something" have to be for it to fall into the category of being so valuable, and consistent?
Firstly, what qualifies something as being valuable? Is a lid to a pen valuable to itself, or is the role it plays actually the reason why it is worthwhile, valuable? Obviously its value is the role it performs, the contribution it makes to something, and the same applies to you. What role, what contribution are you capable of providing that shall never be put on hold, is never in jeopardy, and so provides a secure sense of self-love? Yes, this is asking the question: “Why are you so valuable, what do you offer, what can you do?” Hey, have you thought about what could be so truly needed? Ahhhh so many questions, and so let’s keep going and cover the answers and gain some clarity!
Answers? So far, where have you been taught to look for them? In books, documentaries, gurus, experiences, within yourself because you supposedly already know them but somehow became disconnected from them, disconnect from such a source etc. Again, all so confusing and frustrating for those who have been desperately looking, and many of who now feel disappointed in them self upon hearing that others are supposedly finding their answers. Listen to such disappointed people, can you hear them believing their value, their self-love is dropping?
Where is the answer? I think firstly there needs to be another question. What is needed, and how can you assist with finding whatever it is they need? What is needed? Okay then, a better question. What is taking place and you can assist with to make things okay? Look around you, what do you see is taking place, and I mean have a look at life, what do you see happening? Activity, people and nature just going about doing their thing. Precisely, are you aware that you are claiming that you are having the experience of watching life take place?
You mean I’m having an experience? Yes, and what do experiences offer? Some say they offer, they provide our development, because we grow from our life experiences. They do say that don’t they, though how many yet have received sufficient development to correctly understand what that means, and consequently understand what a person can offer, and so also understand what a person’s value is correctly measured by?
We need to look at the topic of development, Personal Development, and identify the role that people are performing as we watch them doing their thing in life. Let’s listen to what is being said. Listen, take notes, because you will find there to be two different models being mentioned when it comes to measuring personal development.
One is labelled the ‘Achievement model’, where personal development and personal value is measure by supplying proof of personal control over how life circumstances unfold, i.e. achieving goals.
The other is labelled ‘The wisdom model’, whereby as you go about the interesting process of trying to make life conform to your demands, life is constantly subjecting you to your environment and the consequent data that’s forces upon you and furthers your development in understanding reality, understanding life. And to which ‘Wisdom’ is deemed to be an accurate account of reality. An accurate account of the development and survival process called life.
So, which of these two means of measuring personal development could relate to the lessons that explain your true valuable role, and provide a secure permanent self-love? Is it the one that measures your level of development and value by you exhibiting consistent control over your environment, or instead the one that measures your level of development by your current level of understanding reality, and which too explains the valuable role you are always performing for those with your environment?
The answer is simple. Just as we are all automatically growing from the data we run into and is obviously being forced upon us from our environment, so too are the people to which we are serving our automatic valuable role within their environment. Life develops us.
Every child in a classroom, regardless of the child’s current level of understanding life, is automatically playing its valuable role in the other children’s journey, as they all receive information from the comparison of each other. This consistently continues from our early years until be die.
Though, one very important question now needs to be answered. At what level of development does the above understanding of the valuable role everyone is performing, become sufficiently understood to be fully utilised? The answer is directly relevant to when you finally learn the truth that "free-will" does not exist, and hence learn that you (and others) could not have simply chosen differently than did, and that life is a development process and not simply an existence of choosing right over wrong. We all have our belief system, i.e. our current understandings, which governs the process by which we perceive and respond to the events we believe to be taking place.
This is not only easy to prove, but it also plays a role in the process of you learning that because our actions are reason based, such actions will not change unless data is received that alters such beliefs. You do not have choice in what you believe, as the changing of beliefs involves the process of your beliefs, your understandings, being upgraded via the addition of received data, or your mind connecting data it has already received, together. And that is not a choice!
You only fully understand both the phrase “We grow from our life experiences” and consequently then fully understand the automatic valuable role we all play in each other’s lives, after you first receive sufficient information to understand that life develops us rather than we already know and supposedly just have to choose right over wrong.
What is an example of where such important lessons in wisdom are required to address the self-love issues playing a role in severe psychological states? One example is in the treatment of Depression.
Let’s begin by understanding the true cause, and then the cure of Depression, and where self-love fits into the equation.
The underlying belief in the "If you are good, you’ll get/receive" concept of life, which is founded upon the core principle of possessing "choice" (free-will), has people connecting their personal value to their ability to live up to accomplishing outcomes they believe a person’s value is being measured by. Hence, the person believes the whole purpose of life is to accomplish such outcomes and prove oneself worthy of receiving. So, if and when the person believes that particular obstacles will no longer enable the accomplishment of such outcomes, it results in the person believing there is no point in utilising the mind’s creative faculties to come up ideas and ways to address situations in life.
This "WHY BOTHER" attitude (belief) is actually not the symptom of the depression, but rather the actual depression itself! The decrease in the production of the neurotransmitters, which is often called the chemical/imbalance (the disease, the lack of production of the neurotransmitters), and regularly incorrectly blamed as being the cause of the depression, is instead only the physical symptom created by the person refraining from using the mind’s creative faculties to work on solving life’s situations, and thus resulting in all the horrible sensations of darkness, lethargy, fatigue and so on. That is stage one of depression!
Stage two of depression occurs when people with depression are incorrectly informed that depression is a disease, a broken brain, and thus this reinforces their "WHY BOTHER" attitude because now they supposedly have a mental disease, a brain that supposedly does not work and will not enable them to work on life and their future and achieve the particular outcome they currently believe their value is connected to.
The correction required, the development required, to cure depression is received through people being provided with further education/understanding on what life, personal development and personal value is really, accurately, all about. An education that details an understanding of the development process, which clearly shows that our true value is never under threat by life circumstances, and that if life is not able to unfold to match the current demands we place upon it, that is okay, and it is okay to have our goals for the future altered, and to continue using our creative mind to work on life.
No wonder so many people are correctly screaming out that more people require a sense of self-love, Although with life being a development process, not everyone yet has received enough development to understand the automatic valuable role, the same role we are all performing. Such an education is not even provided to students of psychology, counselling, psychotherapy, natural medicine and so on. Nor are they educated in an understanding of the factor which defines why it is impossible for a person’s life to unfold down an incorrect path of events. Even the main principle of most counselling teachings, the “We are not teachers, but rather simply facilitators” is not only a contradiction within itself, but actually completely contradicts the lessons in wisdom required to correctly and fully address self-love, self-esteem, self-worth (all meaning the same!) issues.
Self versus others
What must not be left unacknowledged is one of the greatest outcomes from gaining a safe state of self-love, and that is its effect of upon influencing your own attention to other people’s needs. Whilst in a state of believing your own self–love is decreasing, or, I should say, that the further you believe your own value to be decreasing, the more you will focus on living up to that which you believe your value is connected to, and more difficult it becomes to focus on other people’s necessities. Unless of course you have your value connected to assisting others, and which would really mean you are looking after your own personal value! It is a wonderful state when you understand that as you go about helping others, you also understand that your value is not being left behind.
Though, do you currently understand that when you are going about looking after your own needs, you are also still playing your role in providing others with an experience to grow from? These are major lessons for preventing and treating breast cancer. They enable you to understand that organising other people’s experiences never interferes with aspects of your life, your development. Plus, they enable you to understand that whilst you are organising and having your own experiences, you are still also providing other people with an experience to grow from!
There is an enormous array of phrases and statement utilised by orthodox, new age and spiritual counselling concepts, which are commonly used, considered to be correct, but only serve to reinforce the deeper concepts already at the seat of society’s psychological stress and health conditions. Although they are incorrect, they do play their role in the process by which the resulting psychological stress, mental and physical states provide an educational indication of which concepts on life, personal development and personal value are incorrect and why.
Life is truly a journey, an education, a development process by which we are receiving an education on the lessons in wisdom, which define what reality is and hence also the valuable role we all automatically perform for others, regardless of our current level of development. Even the bully at school played his role in the process by which I finally learnt my own and your true value, and that they are the same.